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beccaelizabethJust watched the final part of that Monastery thing, with the five guys living like monks. Apparently it was one of the sets of monks who Dad went to school with. Only probably not the same monks, that being long and long ago.
I was thinking about how my Tarot cards keep telling me to go talk to God&Goddess. Which I'd happily do, if I knew how. And I was thinking about vocation, the whole idea of spiritual calling. If you're Christian and you feel a call there are precise organised categories of things you could do about it. Chaos magic, not so much with the organised.
I have to figure out what I want to do, how I want to help, how I want to carry the spiritual aspects of life into all parts of what I do. It isn't easy. I don't think I would be very good at being the kind of priestess who does regular services and weddings and suchlike. I'm bad at people. Seems like I should be good at people to help them with spiritual stuff. For similar reasons the idea of living in a religious community seems a bit problematic. Religion, yaay, community? Confusing. And I'm really bad at living by rules other people make, especially if they don't seem logical to me. I could try the hermit thing some more, but I kind of stalled out of getting anything from it. I mean I've read books and I have ideas and now it seems to me a time for doing something with them. Also learning more, sure, but not from sitting here at home.
All the stories I make up to help me get to sleep are about community. When I was little grandma told me to make a house in my head to help me sleep. I started small, but it turned into cities and empires eventually. But mostly I end up with the kind of story where I'm living with, like, a superhero team. Like Angel Investigations, or living with Giles and a lot of other Sunnydale people. Like we buy all the flats in that building he lives in, or convert that house the vampires were living in at the university and run our own teams of fearless vampire hunters out of it. I do the parts I am good at, ie the reading and the geeking and the drooling, and the rest of everyone does the parts they are good at, ie... everything useful.
I mean in my stories I can be all supportive and sympathetic and wise, but that would be because when I'm not in the mood for that I can think up the bits where we stake things a lot. Real life doesnt wait for you to get in a better mood or stop having a headache.
Headaches are something I could try applying magic to. Headache and nausea. Life would be really a whole lot easier without headaches.
In the stories, there are teams, or starship crews, or some other way of organising a bunch of people to accomplish necessary goals and also live in ways that support each other. And in some of the fun stories there is also a lot of sex. I can live without that part RL (I have lived without it entirely so far, so I can be fairly sure of that) but it might be nice.
The thing is, when I make these stories, I start with knowing all these people and wanting to be part of their mission. And the mission is clear and simple - stuff like 'don't die' and 'stop vampires'. Though when I get into it is more about 'save souls', going around trying to tell Spike how he could be the first vampire Buddha or whatever.
RL... there are a lot of people, and I don't seem to have the knack of getting to know them. I mean there's people I've known since school where I still have only the most tenuous knowledge of them. I know how the RPG, because that is what we do. I don't know their family structure, basic values (except what I can extrapolate from RPGs, and really that is not a good source on that one), or in some cases surnames (what? it isn't like we were formally introduced. Just sit down, eat, RPG). Or any other thing that I'd think of as basic to knowing fictional people. I do however know what they eat on pizza, which is a useful bit of knowledge I tend to lack about fictional people. But other people, like the people I've been in class with all year... most of them I don't know their *first* names, and I probably wouldn't recognise them if they weren't in college. Haven't got to know them at all. I don't know how people do it.
So how can I have a community type life, with other people in it, if I can't get the hang of getting to know people?
The whole working towards a common goal bit is problematic too. I mean I know there are lots of useful things to do, but they're also grindingly depressing too. Real life isn't much with the big wins. You never get to stop the apocalypse, just help people through another day. Which is nifty cool, but you need to refuel or it gets wearying.
I could work on something like making buildings. I *like* buildings. I thought of being an architect but it got way mathy and I'd have to do a lot of boring work to other people's spec, which isn't quite what attracts me to the idea.
I'd like to build temples. But then I think that trees are much more grand than any arrangement of pillars or gothic roof fans. So temples seem a bit... pale in comparison. But it would be good, to build somewhere that people can come together in to feel that there is something greater, grander, wider, richer than the everyday concrete grind.
I really want to write stories. The good sort of stories, the ones people build dreams from. Cult TV or movies, basically, like I've spent my life dreaming on. I think I have something to say and a way to say it. I haven't put words on paper lately, but the reasons for that are not to do with running out of ideas. Steam, energy, and headache free days when I'm actually awake yes, ideas no. Many ideas. I could write stories to show people the stuff I've figured out, and my characters would help me figure out more.
To make television and movies a lot of people come together in a cause. It seems a bit odd to devote so much effort to a couple of hours, but these are the building blocks of human creation, of the culture and ideas that make us more than clever animals (although we dont actually know animals arent storytellers too, but I'm being all grand and inspiring, so that isn't the point ;) )
The trouble with tv or movies as my goal is the other thing they are is hugely, hugely organised. It is work, hard work, on clockwork schedules that chase light day and night. My somewhat sideways approach to such things as schedules, time, and actually turning up is just not going to work in that context. And I don't know what a writer would do day to day anyway. Probably stuff that would require being on time. I'm *never* on time with writing. And if I do the kind of writing that I do myself and send somewhere, where is the community?
If I was Christian I could go to church. Pagans go to... assorted kinds of meetings, many of which probably wont suit me. I mean I know that a lot of people think the moon is important and so is knowing what season harvest is, but where I'm sitting it isn't entirely relevant what TV season it is, on account of downloads and dvds, let alone what outside season it is. I'm not exactly earth centered.
So, temples with no trees make slightly more sense then.
But I don't know if what I'm looking for is a community all about religion. I mean when religion means just thinking about religion it seems a bit hollow to me. People are the key. People everywhere, figure them out, figure how to make lives better. That is religion and spirituality in action. So the idea of communities of monks who just sit and think about the bible doesnt quite work for me. Sit, think, then do. Which a lot of monastic orders do too, and still be about religion. But I'm thinking.
I guess part of me is worried it'll be like Willow's bake sale people, and part of me thinks maybe they'll be all about precise definitions and the kind of arguments that make there be so many kinds of christianity and most of them not getting on with each other, and part of me is worried they'll be people (which is fairly inevitable, so I'm not saying they shouldnt be, just that interacting with people is the hard part).
And also there's the practical part of who they am I talking on when I don't know anyone outside this flat, but *shrugs* that I can work on when I know what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for a superhero team where I can be a part time soul saver and scriptwriter.
And also a polyamorous marriage with lots of interesting hot people involved (though I always run into the problem of why would interesting hot people let me play. not the point. talking wants here.)
Is kind of a tough order to fill though.
Haven't a clue where to start.
And also need to fit college and college assignments into the plan somewhere. I think. I mean learning stuff is neat, and the largest part of why I'm fed up with it recently is it seems like we've stopped learning and got stuck in groups to talk about it all. Over and over. For weeks. For a presentation that isn't even for credit now. Which is not what I'm there for. I want to learn stuff, not get sent to the library to figure things myself. I figure things every week, is not why I turn up at difficult to get to building full of people. Want to learn from teacher that can point out handy things like which theories are useful as tools in what places, and where to start. All the stuff teachers learn from having studied much more than I have already. Not so much the stuff other students have learned from being in all the same lessons I have. Not to say that other students dont have interesting stuff to say, they do, but again, is that why I'm in class? Not so very much.
So I don't think it is college I'm fed up of, just the non-lesson lessons at the end of the year.
So I really need to get moving and pass the thing so I can do lesson lessons next year.
*sigh*
being dumb.
For some reason writing all this took me from headache and nausea and crying through to nice calm sense of progress. Which seems odd because really, is it progress to know I want to live in a comic book? But headache went away. Coolness. Shall be glad.
I was thinking about how my Tarot cards keep telling me to go talk to God&Goddess. Which I'd happily do, if I knew how. And I was thinking about vocation, the whole idea of spiritual calling. If you're Christian and you feel a call there are precise organised categories of things you could do about it. Chaos magic, not so much with the organised.
I have to figure out what I want to do, how I want to help, how I want to carry the spiritual aspects of life into all parts of what I do. It isn't easy. I don't think I would be very good at being the kind of priestess who does regular services and weddings and suchlike. I'm bad at people. Seems like I should be good at people to help them with spiritual stuff. For similar reasons the idea of living in a religious community seems a bit problematic. Religion, yaay, community? Confusing. And I'm really bad at living by rules other people make, especially if they don't seem logical to me. I could try the hermit thing some more, but I kind of stalled out of getting anything from it. I mean I've read books and I have ideas and now it seems to me a time for doing something with them. Also learning more, sure, but not from sitting here at home.
All the stories I make up to help me get to sleep are about community. When I was little grandma told me to make a house in my head to help me sleep. I started small, but it turned into cities and empires eventually. But mostly I end up with the kind of story where I'm living with, like, a superhero team. Like Angel Investigations, or living with Giles and a lot of other Sunnydale people. Like we buy all the flats in that building he lives in, or convert that house the vampires were living in at the university and run our own teams of fearless vampire hunters out of it. I do the parts I am good at, ie the reading and the geeking and the drooling, and the rest of everyone does the parts they are good at, ie... everything useful.
I mean in my stories I can be all supportive and sympathetic and wise, but that would be because when I'm not in the mood for that I can think up the bits where we stake things a lot. Real life doesnt wait for you to get in a better mood or stop having a headache.
Headaches are something I could try applying magic to. Headache and nausea. Life would be really a whole lot easier without headaches.
In the stories, there are teams, or starship crews, or some other way of organising a bunch of people to accomplish necessary goals and also live in ways that support each other. And in some of the fun stories there is also a lot of sex. I can live without that part RL (I have lived without it entirely so far, so I can be fairly sure of that) but it might be nice.
The thing is, when I make these stories, I start with knowing all these people and wanting to be part of their mission. And the mission is clear and simple - stuff like 'don't die' and 'stop vampires'. Though when I get into it is more about 'save souls', going around trying to tell Spike how he could be the first vampire Buddha or whatever.
RL... there are a lot of people, and I don't seem to have the knack of getting to know them. I mean there's people I've known since school where I still have only the most tenuous knowledge of them. I know how the RPG, because that is what we do. I don't know their family structure, basic values (except what I can extrapolate from RPGs, and really that is not a good source on that one), or in some cases surnames (what? it isn't like we were formally introduced. Just sit down, eat, RPG). Or any other thing that I'd think of as basic to knowing fictional people. I do however know what they eat on pizza, which is a useful bit of knowledge I tend to lack about fictional people. But other people, like the people I've been in class with all year... most of them I don't know their *first* names, and I probably wouldn't recognise them if they weren't in college. Haven't got to know them at all. I don't know how people do it.
So how can I have a community type life, with other people in it, if I can't get the hang of getting to know people?
The whole working towards a common goal bit is problematic too. I mean I know there are lots of useful things to do, but they're also grindingly depressing too. Real life isn't much with the big wins. You never get to stop the apocalypse, just help people through another day. Which is nifty cool, but you need to refuel or it gets wearying.
I could work on something like making buildings. I *like* buildings. I thought of being an architect but it got way mathy and I'd have to do a lot of boring work to other people's spec, which isn't quite what attracts me to the idea.
I'd like to build temples. But then I think that trees are much more grand than any arrangement of pillars or gothic roof fans. So temples seem a bit... pale in comparison. But it would be good, to build somewhere that people can come together in to feel that there is something greater, grander, wider, richer than the everyday concrete grind.
I really want to write stories. The good sort of stories, the ones people build dreams from. Cult TV or movies, basically, like I've spent my life dreaming on. I think I have something to say and a way to say it. I haven't put words on paper lately, but the reasons for that are not to do with running out of ideas. Steam, energy, and headache free days when I'm actually awake yes, ideas no. Many ideas. I could write stories to show people the stuff I've figured out, and my characters would help me figure out more.
To make television and movies a lot of people come together in a cause. It seems a bit odd to devote so much effort to a couple of hours, but these are the building blocks of human creation, of the culture and ideas that make us more than clever animals (although we dont actually know animals arent storytellers too, but I'm being all grand and inspiring, so that isn't the point ;) )
The trouble with tv or movies as my goal is the other thing they are is hugely, hugely organised. It is work, hard work, on clockwork schedules that chase light day and night. My somewhat sideways approach to such things as schedules, time, and actually turning up is just not going to work in that context. And I don't know what a writer would do day to day anyway. Probably stuff that would require being on time. I'm *never* on time with writing. And if I do the kind of writing that I do myself and send somewhere, where is the community?
If I was Christian I could go to church. Pagans go to... assorted kinds of meetings, many of which probably wont suit me. I mean I know that a lot of people think the moon is important and so is knowing what season harvest is, but where I'm sitting it isn't entirely relevant what TV season it is, on account of downloads and dvds, let alone what outside season it is. I'm not exactly earth centered.
So, temples with no trees make slightly more sense then.
But I don't know if what I'm looking for is a community all about religion. I mean when religion means just thinking about religion it seems a bit hollow to me. People are the key. People everywhere, figure them out, figure how to make lives better. That is religion and spirituality in action. So the idea of communities of monks who just sit and think about the bible doesnt quite work for me. Sit, think, then do. Which a lot of monastic orders do too, and still be about religion. But I'm thinking.
I guess part of me is worried it'll be like Willow's bake sale people, and part of me thinks maybe they'll be all about precise definitions and the kind of arguments that make there be so many kinds of christianity and most of them not getting on with each other, and part of me is worried they'll be people (which is fairly inevitable, so I'm not saying they shouldnt be, just that interacting with people is the hard part).
And also there's the practical part of who they am I talking on when I don't know anyone outside this flat, but *shrugs* that I can work on when I know what I'm looking for.
I'm looking for a superhero team where I can be a part time soul saver and scriptwriter.
And also a polyamorous marriage with lots of interesting hot people involved (though I always run into the problem of why would interesting hot people let me play. not the point. talking wants here.)
Is kind of a tough order to fill though.
Haven't a clue where to start.
And also need to fit college and college assignments into the plan somewhere. I think. I mean learning stuff is neat, and the largest part of why I'm fed up with it recently is it seems like we've stopped learning and got stuck in groups to talk about it all. Over and over. For weeks. For a presentation that isn't even for credit now. Which is not what I'm there for. I want to learn stuff, not get sent to the library to figure things myself. I figure things every week, is not why I turn up at difficult to get to building full of people. Want to learn from teacher that can point out handy things like which theories are useful as tools in what places, and where to start. All the stuff teachers learn from having studied much more than I have already. Not so much the stuff other students have learned from being in all the same lessons I have. Not to say that other students dont have interesting stuff to say, they do, but again, is that why I'm in class? Not so very much.
So I don't think it is college I'm fed up of, just the non-lesson lessons at the end of the year.
So I really need to get moving and pass the thing so I can do lesson lessons next year.
*sigh*
being dumb.
For some reason writing all this took me from headache and nausea and crying through to nice calm sense of progress. Which seems odd because really, is it progress to know I want to live in a comic book? But headache went away. Coolness. Shall be glad.