beccaelizabeth's dreamwidth journal

Happy Birthday to Me
🌞🎂✌


Due to Rules nobody will be visiting, which is a bit boring, but still, another circuit around the sun for me.

Another year and I'm still here
happy birthday to me

🙂🎂🖖

I haven't been talking much lately.
I've been writing posts but then locking them, which is pretty much like not writing, but takes longer.
I decided to try and be more positive, but there's still so much I'm unhappy about it hasn't been working. And I keep on feeling like anything I say can and will turn into an argument, that being the state of the web these days.
I also feel like there's nobody around, which ought to make it easier to not worry about argue.
But I know there are people and they comment here and I fail at answering because
I haven't been talking much lately.

I don't have a fix for any of this, but, I have noticed. Not avoiding or ignoring anyone in particular, just, like, feeling small and daft and repetitive.

I've been thinking I should just start writing one of my daydream stories, see what happens when it's actually on a page, but then I feel all arrrgh arrgh people would look at me, and then that doesn't happen.
And, also, all argh nobody wants to read this it will be boring.
Which, again, I ought to be able to pick only one of those feelings, but noooo.

Mostly I feel like the way we (I) interact on the internet has been fading away, until it's all reblogs and pretty pictures. There used to be people on message boards I'd talk with every day, but it has been a few years. And I don't know why, or where most of them went. But I do notice I kind of stopped saying things to most people, and i guess nobody likes the feeling we're talking into the void.

So.

Big stack of problems, no real solutions, just, like, trying to say more and more useful things. Be kind. Say some things people might want to hear.

Which would require thinking of them first.

*sigh*

*waves*

🖖

( Read more... )
So yesterday I was standing in a line waiting to get a signature, and people in front of me were there with their kids, and people behind me were there with their kids, ( Read more... ) So I was thinking of all the DVDs I've got and which ones I'd share and which ones I wouldn't mind about and which ones I'd hope to keep out of their reach. And it's an interesting different sort of list.

Starts with: Must show small people Doctor Who.
Because it's important. ( Read more... )

I have today managed to finish the Ibsen related reading. It only took me, oh, maybe five times as long as it would if I could keep my brain on track.

Plot bunny. Not even a porn bunny. Well, at least three sex scenes, but all necessary and integral to the plot... Hang on, that means I have to write them. With words. And not fading.
... that would be new ...

ANYways

Plot bunny.

*Ate my brain*


Long ago when I first started doing conventions one actor said that if you can do anything else, do it. Only be an actor if you have to be. And it sounds kind of rude to a profession, but what he meant is it's a calling. You get full up of have to and then you get the chance to do it.

I remember him saying it because cute, but it's been said by others and quite often. Art, creativity, all that can't-eat-it-yet-need-it stuff, that's where it lives.

Writing requires no other people to give you chances.

But it can have quite a lot of have-to.



If I could control and channel this stuff I'd get the best grades ever.
But noooooo.


... so basically what I'm saying is I'm being Called to write Torchwood fic.

*facepalm*



Alright, I told myself I wasn't allowed to touch my laptop until I'd finished the reading.
Now would be a logical time to start the writing part, of course, but while attempting to concentrate on Nora et al I have instead developed quite a complex plot with twists and emotional development and parts where what started as porn or pure hurt/comfort turned into moments integral to the plot and... this is where my brain lives.

This is possibly why my brain lives.

This is definitely, albeit in a slightly strange way, why I'm even going to college in the first place.

Which makes it rather hard to come up with any math that makes college more important.

*sigh*


shall go write it down then.




And after that, watch Torchwood.
Because I just finished consuming all the fandom's output of fanfic, and if there's anything I've learned about writing, it is that while fanfic is inspiring, canon is what tells you if you are in fact on crack.

Thinking about my first fandom lead me to thinking about how I am *so* not that person any more.
Which leads me to thinking that on the whole people don't tend to be, ten years later.

So I have decided that everyone should change their names every decade or so, like Immortals. It avoids confusion and lingering embarrassment.

*nods*



er, yes, I should probably get some sleep soon...

Just watched the final part of that Monastery thing, with the five guys living like monks. Apparently it was one of the sets of monks who Dad went to school with. Only probably not the same monks, that being long and long ago.

I was thinking about how my Tarot cards keep telling me to go talk to God&Goddess. Which I'd happily do, if I knew how. And I was thinking about vocation, the whole idea of spiritual calling. If you're Christian and you feel a call there are precise organised categories of things you could do about it. Chaos magic, not so much with the organised.

I have to figure out what I want to do, how I want to help, how I want to carry the spiritual aspects of life into all parts of what I do. It isn't easy. ( Read more... )

I'm looking for a superhero team where I can be a part time soul saver and scriptwriter.
And also a polyamorous marriage with lots of interesting hot people involved (though I always run into the problem of why would interesting hot people let me play. not the point. talking wants here.)

Is kind of a tough order to fill though.
Haven't a clue where to start.

( Read more... )


For some reason writing all this took me from headache and nausea and crying through to nice calm sense of progress. Which seems odd because really, is it progress to know I want to live in a comic book? But headache went away. Coolness. Shall be glad.

Apparently I became a minister of the Universal Life Church on 30th December 1998.
That is a whole bunch of years ago now.
Cool.

be made 2,000 posts on the Soulful Spike Society message board
so now I gets a bunch of congratulations messages
cool

http://scubiefan.proboards18.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&num=1090860865&start=255

also acumulate titles:

Mage of Chaos,
Two thousand and more wonderful, imaginative and thought-provoking posts!

or

Congratulations to the Goth Godess
of masterful observation and
colorful inner life


why I repost them here? For the down days when I'm all mustn't talk people will eat me. The bad way. So I can see, talked a lot and they like me, they really like me!


Also in today's news- I finally pieced together research about Janus enough to make sense of them using Janus the way they did in the Halloween episode. They didn't just pull the dual gendered version or the Chaos association out of thin air and I have googled enough to prove it. Go me.
I'm doing the obscure knowledge happy dance with added shake my hands about.
I'll be writing it up as an essay pretty soon. Like now, except for I keep finding more stuff.
cool.